my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
oy, things are getting too complicated. there's just no other way to put it than that. it's judt getting to the point where i wanna crawl into a hole and disappear for a while again, which isn't a great feeling.
first, i wake up and check my email. there was a new guestbook entry, so i came here to get to it. you gotta admit, this name's earier to type, lol. anyway, i took a look at my comment box...and i cried. why the hell are people choosing me to riddicule about this? PLUS, if you REALLY read my entry, i'm NOT EVEN FRIGGING SURE YET. so you have no right to call me anything like that until I know for sure, cause i'll sure as hell know before you do. and by the way...that box may or may not come out today, cause i said last time, one more thing like that happens, it's going off. and i've got a layout all set up without it.
next, this morning before school, i was there early, like usual (after drying my eyes before kathy picked me up). well, i got outside and did mr. prier's homework, and talked for a while like usual. i saw kristen coming out the doors, and went over to meet her halfway and tell her about what happened this morning. she gave me a "so what" kind of attitude...something that i normally dont get from her. she and i talked about it a few times today...it's that end-of-the-year tension coming back up. both of us can already feel the fighting coming on. all i can do is brace for it and hope for the best. i still remember not being able to talk to her for a week last year cause of this. i mean, dont get me wrong, but i dont think i get too stressed, but with all the stuff she's involved with, she gets to the breaking point easier around this time of year. not much sleep, endless homework, starting this year a job...i can see why it happens. 8th grade, this is the time of year her and bobbie ganged up on me and said stuff. mine and bobbie's friendship never recovered from that. thats what i'm scared of...i dont wanna lose kristen's friendship/sisterhood cause we're stressed out at the end of the school year, cause it's a normal thing in our friendship. i love her too much to let that happen...
another thing. mom found out last night that both asley and kristen are NHS members now. she's all like "well you would think that since you're around both of them all the time it would rub off. why aren't you in that? you shouls spend all that time talking you do with them doing studying or homework or something." look, just because my mom was NHS when SHE was in high school doesn't mean i have to be. shit, dad got by taking 9th grade english as an elective till he graduated and STILL got a C in there as an average. and just because my "big sisters" made it in there doesn't mean that i have to be. there shouldn't be a rivalry there with our grades...although i do feel a little good when i do better than one of them on just one thing. like, a homework assignment or something...it feels good i guess to know that i'm getting better. shoot, the thing that's mainly keeping me in A's and B's for the most part is trying to get one grade better than kristen. it's pety, and i really hate fessing up to it, but it's true.
i dunno, maybe my life isn't realy all that bad to someone on the outside looking in. i have friends, for the most part (other than this quarter) i get good grades, and i dont really want for much. well, i have "friends", a lot of whom i'm quick to question, cause i'm not entirely sure who i can and can't trust. my grades aren't really all that good when you think about it. and the not wanting for much...well, i dont, but i dont have much. let's see...two pairs of jeans, two pairs of khakis, one pair of shorts that really fit, one pair that kinda fits, but i consider them too short, and about nine shirts total that i wear, mostly long sleeved. no jacket (other than my FREE leather one, which is too thick a lot fo the time), old shoes (only one pair, for you shoe-a-holics), off brand everything, and clothes from the cheapest places possible IF they have something that fits me in all the right places. let's see, there's the half of half price store, where we got my jeans for about $8 each, but they're too frigging big. wal-mart where the majority of my clothes come from. things that other relatives dont want anymore. i think i can be classified as somewhat poor.
see, first impressions aren't always the right ones. then there's whatever someone's thinking. "omg, are they watching me?; what does he/she think about me?; what are they gonna say about me?; i need a way out; i want to die; wonder what this would do to me if i did it..." that's just a few examples. all of them, i've thought at least once in my life. consider all this before sayingsomething about someone, or starting rumors and all that...life isn't always as great as it seems.
just because someone looks or seems like they've got it all and everything, that they're just fine and nothing could be better, doesn't mean it's true. so, think about it a lot more before you judge someone on an outward appearance, cause it's not always the best way to go. things can be just as complicated, if not more, than you could ever imagine in someone's life, and you have no idea.
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.