my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
today has been one big depression fest for me. i dunno, i guess i'm just realising where things are going in my life, and it's hitting me...hard. last night kinda helped that along. i can almost feel my life going to crap. my friends at school are getting into little groups with other people who don't pay any attention to what i have to say, and when they do, they change the subject or walk off. it feels to me that everyone is pulling away. sure, get them alone, it's back to normal, but in a group, i'm screwed any way i go.
right now, i'm sad cause the only other thing i had been looking forward to this weekend is coming back to smack me in the face, like the dance did. calling lisa. i couldn't last night, she wasn't there before i left. today, the one time i could, mom was in bed and wouldn't fuckin wake up. dad and i dont know where her cell phone is, or i'd have been able to call her. she's working on projects that are worth a major part of her grade in a couple classes, so i understand why she's not on or anything like that. but i really needed that phone call...especially after last night.
ok, here's the thing i've kept you all waiting for. i realised last week that i was thinking about something a lot. it's something that i'd been debating internally for the last two or three years now. something that i didn't really want to tell anyone, but lisa got it out of me, and i'm an equal opportunity informer with her, ashley and kristen. so, i had to try last week to tell them too. in all actuallity, the first person that i told that i go to school with was megan, cause i knew she'd take it. then i had to tell kathy, and eventually sasha. now, i'm telling you. i am officially what lisa calls "confused"...halfway between being straight and bi. like i said before, this isn't exactly a recent occurance, i've just been thinking about it more than i have in a long time. it hadn't even crossed my mind in about a year before recently though, but more recently than ever before. i may or may not be bi. there, i said it.
people are bringing up my future with me a lot more these days too. "what school are you going to after high school?" none if i could have my way, but i'm going to have to go to at least a community college or junior college. "how can you be so confident that you'll make it in the music industry?" well, i just have to be in the right place at the right time i guess. i mean, i have more than just singing backing me up here. i write, AND i've been told i have a great personality...which can't hurt. "how are you going to get to new york this winter?"...something that's crossed my mind many a time. dad bitched at me on the way to the dance last night (which brought my spirit down for the dance). i can't go alone. i'm under 18, there's no way i can go alone. dad can't go, mom wont go. i'm thinking forget getting the car after this summer, and just see if anyone would be willing to go with me if i payed for their ticket too, cause i need that more than a car. "where do you see yourself in ten years?" i can't honestly answer that one now. about six months ago, yeah, i could. nashville, on my way or in the midst of my music career. but now, i'm not so sure. too many things have happened that can change that.
hopefully, this is going to be the last entry tonight. sorry ya'll have had to read so much, but there's a lot going through my mind.
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.