my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
conversation i had with ashley about last night. it seems to explain it about like how i would write it, heh. kristen and ashley, you guys dont need to read this, you already know what happened and all that. so, yeah, have fun:
Yearwood 319: last night sucked...
ashaleyO4: o why?
Yearwood 319: cause wnehever i walked over o a group of people they all walked away
Yearwood 319: kristen was in was a chaparone, she had to act like she wanted to be around bobbie
Yearwood 319: wait
Yearwood 319: someone got on and killed half of that
ashaleyO4: o and who was in this group of people
ashaleyO4: ok
Yearwood 319: kristen was part of that group half the night cause bobbie's mom was a chaparone and she had to at least act like she wanted to be around bobbie
Yearwood 319: any group of people actually
ashaleyO4: no she didn't
ashaleyO4: and kristen coulda acted like she liked bobbie and stayed with you
Yearwood 319: the way that her mom and bobbie's mom are yes she did, trust me on this one ashers
ashaleyO4: that's messed up landa
Yearwood 319: ...
ashaleyO4: she still coulda done that by being friends with you
ashaleyO4: that's wrong landa
ashaleyO4: and trust me if i won't say something to bobbie tomorrow
ashaleyO4: why does she have a prob with you
Yearwood 319: cause i "took her best friend away" but no one else is supposed to know that
Yearwood 319: she thinks i forgot that, and she thinks shes my friend
Yearwood 319: i've already said stuff to her, so, please dopnt say anything
Yearwood 319: *dont
Yearwood 319: sdhe's gonna realise sometime that not everyone in the damn school is her friend,cause that's the way she acts now
ashaleyO4: that's screwed up. if she thinks she's your friend then why didn't she hang with you last night?
Yearwood 319: and i'll laugh
Yearwood 319: i dunno
Yearwood 319: dammit i'm confused right now
ashaleyO4: i don't see why...honestly i don't. She is your friend. or at least she thinks that but she doesn't act like she is...Not to smart. I would just step up and say something to her bout it
ashaleyO4: and to krysten
Yearwood 319: *kristen
ashaleyO4: sorry
ashaleyO4: kristen
Yearwood 319: *wonders if youre typing a big huge thing, cause i just made one that i cut to paste when youre done*
ashaleyO4: no
ashaleyO4: had to get food
Yearwood 319: ok, then i'm sayin it
Yearwood 319: ashley, kristen and i have an understanding about some things, and when it comes to bobbie, there's a LOT of them. thing is, she's starting to get a little group that she's around at school too, which is basically leaving me on my own cause none of these people take me seriously or anything like that, so i've just started to give up and take the damn label of anti-social cause i'm tired of trying all the damn time.
ashaleyO4: yea well still landa. i mean i dunno im lost on the whole thing
Yearwood 319: ...i am too
Yearwood 319: people keep just expecting me to fit in everywhere
Yearwood 319: if no one listens to me, than i think i dont fit in, cause i'm just standing there nodding my head otherwise
Yearwood 319: thats what was going on last night with everyone who was there
Yearwood 319: sure, chrissy followed me around in my patheticness till she left at ten (which at 9:45, kristen ditched bobbie) but for the most part, i was on my own cause i didn't want to just stand there and nod all night
Yearwood 319: (about 10:30 she went back cause she actually WANTED to dance for the first time in her life, i told her she could, i called home ot leave)
ashaleyO4: o my poor landa
Yearwood 319: you still lost?
ashaleyO4: no
Yearwood 319: jus makin sure
Yearwood 319: *collapses on the table*
yes, this is why i didn't have fun last night. i ruined some people's fun because i dont dance.
something that i never got to write in here friday. kristen and i had been kinda *rawr* all day for the first time since last year. before going to the dance, she called me and we talked a while. she apologized.
apologys are something that i'm not used to cause no one ever says them. most of the time, people just assume that theres an understanding there, and that it's all over. no closure needed. hate to say this, but i need closure most of the time. so, there are a lot of things that i still feel weird about, that are still somewhat open wounds, because people dont apologize, or they expect me to apologize for something that they did.
that's another reason why i'm so eh about making new friends...a lot of people are stupid and immature. i've lost a lot of friendships cause of stupid little things that no one ever took responsibility for or anything. friendships that were good before it happened. looking back, part of it is because i'm so damn apprehensive sometimes and i get defensive about something and it blows up. or at least i used to be. sometimes, i still am, but not always. and nowhere near as bad.
ok, given this is my second entry today, and i have one more that i should make later on, i'm going to stop for now. love you guys...bye ya'll.
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.