my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
i know i said not to expect an entry for a while, but i need to write this one, and it's not the one youre waiting on. wait longer, dammit. it'll be up here by monday.
lisa and i did a lot of talking today. it started with that poem i posted earlier...like i said, it made a lot of first hour cry when i read it. lisa went to read it, and came back with this:
lisa: omg...
lisa: so sad...
landa: yus and i have no clue why i wrote it...
lisa: *holds landa tightly*
lisa: dont ever leave me like that...
lisa: please...
landa: i promise you i wont
landa: *feels you there...*
lisa: *snuggles*
landa: *snuggles*
lisa: i never want my sister to die
lisa: from herself.....
lisa: from her..taking her own life.....
lisa: *hug*
landa: *hug*
lisa: god i love you too damn much
lisa: to have u just be taken away
landa: *melted again*
lisa: heh...
landa: i feel the same about you sis...
lisa: how would i cope?
lisa: how would i live...?
lisa: live happy anyway
lisa: oic...
lisa: my sister would be gone forever..
lisa: not by fate
lisa: but by her own destruction....
lisa: *hugs tightly again*
lisa: *heh u made me cry too*
landa: *feels physical pain melt away...*
lisa: *hug*
lisa: really..?
landa: yeah...i feel completely safe...
lisa: *smile*
landa: *wipes away the tears*
lisa: i feel warm...
landa: sis, i'm never going to do that to you
landa: and i honestly have no idea why i wrote that, heh...
lisa: im never gonna do that to u either...
landa: they had me go right after rocky's poem about how "he's pimpin"
lisa: *heart hurts for some reason...*
lisa: lmao
landa: *snuggles*
lisa: *snuggles*
landa: the whole room just got quiet...
landa: prier looked at me stunned...
landa: the preps jaws were dropped...
landa: alvaro looked kinda scared or something...i've never seen that look in his eyes before...
lisa: i bet they wondered...
lisa: i bet they wondered if u ever thought about doing that...
landa: *not commenting on that....*
lisa: ive had people read my poems
lisa: then throw me into the guidance counselors office last year
lisa: ...
lisa: ?
landa: it said you were typing
lisa: hm
landa: i was waiting on you to talk, sorry hun
landa: yes...before we got like we are now, i did think about that...
lisa: i know...
landa: that exact same way...
lisa: i havent forgotten the time u read me that old entry in ur real diary......
lisa: ur note....
landa: *deep sigh*
lisa: landa are u crying, too?
landa: nope...remembering
lisa: oic..
lisa: u were like "itll be better this way..."
landa: kinda, yeah
landa: ...
lisa: do u have any scars from that sis..?
landa: but i talked/thought myself out of it...
landa: *looks*
lisa: thank god...
landa: one
landa: the only one on my arms
landa: its not even a line or anything
landa: just....like...a dot or something
lisa: oic...
landa: *instinctively puts sleeve back down*
lisa: *hugs tightly*
landa: *hugs tightly*
lisa: thank god u didnt kill urself then sis...
landa: *checks other arm to be safe...*
landa: i know hun..
lisa: cause then...
lisa: i wouldnt have known u...
lisa: met u...
lisa: ...loved u..
landa: *snuggles*
lisa: *snuggles*
landa: good god...
lisa: *has been crying for a while now, heh*
lisa: what...?
landa: ...extremely faint lines........
landa: *doesn't remember doing this...*
landa: i NEVER messed with my right arm....
landa: *paranoid*
lisa: hm...
landa: *scared..*
lisa: *puts hand over scars...*
lisa: god...
landa: i can barely see them...and i dont remember ever touching my right arm...
landa: cause my left hand is weaker and...yeah...
lisa: ..ah...
lisa: *images*
landa: *i'm sorry aobut this sis...*
landa: *freaks out now*
lisa: *is shaking a lil bit..*
landa: *holds her sis*
lisa: *hugs tightly*
landa: i promise you here and now that i'll never do anything like that ever again....
lisa: ok...
lisa: landa always remember
lisa: we wont be better off without you...
lisa: especially me...
landa: i will..
landa: *thinks about how her and sev just talked about this*
lisa: oic...
lisa: landa, how long have u had this dog tag
lisa: ?
landa: i'm kinda glad you didn't know me then sis...in a way...
lisa: *the one im wearing*
landa: since the air show before sixth grade
lisa: oic..
landa: going on five years
lisa: and u wore it all the time?
landa: yup
landa: most if not all
lisa: u probably had it on when that happened huh...
~*skips some*~
lisa: *cuddles up*
lisa: so, whats the answer?
landa: *cuddles up*
landa: i was about to say i'm thinking bout that
landa: ...and i think so
landa: ...
yes boys and girls, landa used to be a cutter. amazingly enough, she doesn't have many if any scars on her arms, none on her wrists. but...i have a scathed memory...and soul...scathes which will never go away. there are just some things that never go away. the things that made me that way...and the memories of what i did to myself...are never going to leave me. like lisa and i were saying, it's a good thing that i didn't do anything. the time she's talking about was before sumner...i would have never met her, kristen, anyone at sumner, no blazey, alli, sevy, may, no one on here.....and now that i think about it, so many lives that may or may not be here. see, i'm one of those people that others come to when they get like that, and there is QUITE a list since then. i'm glad that i'm still here too...i really am...
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.