my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
tonight made somewhat of an impact on me, heh. some of it good, some of it confusing, some of it bad.
lisa and i talked a lot of the night. but, what ended up mattering most, was when she got back from eating her dinner. i'll copy/paste the point that i want you guys to see, make it easier, heh. i dont have time to format it, cause i'm writing while my parents are out, and i'm buying timeright now as it is, so i'll try to format it tomorrow, sorry if i end up not getting around to it. here goes...
lisa: my mom doesnt want me on tonight...
landa: they're bringing home dinner, calling me when they get someplace so i can actually order my own
lisa: she yelled at me
lisa: oic
landa: .....
landa: o..k...
lisa: she said some mean stuff bout u too...
landa: what did she say...
lisa: *cuddles up*
lisa: im not saying...
landa: *cuddles up*
lisa: i dont want too.....
landa: lisa, i wanna hear it...
lisa: no u dont...
landa: ...
lisa: can i see u then?
landa: i dont want you in trouble lisa..
lisa: do u really wanna know the shit she said?
lisa: *hug*
landa: yes, i wanna know..
landa: *hug*
lisa: well, we were talking about something i g2 tell u first
lisa: the camaro is being discontinued sis..
lisa: after the 2003 camaro it will be GONE
lisa: not made anymore
landa: ah!
landa: *thought you meant camera at first and went nuts inside*
lisa: hm
lisa: no the camaro
lisa: car
landa: kay
landa: *whew*
landa: i love those things, heh
lisa: i told her o god landas gonna be upset
landa: old models anyway..
landa: yus i am
lisa: i was like she wishes she had a camaro
lisa: especially that '69 one
lisa: even the '75 one
lisa: she told me well she better start saving her money...
lisa: and get off the computer and get a job...
lisa: i told her u were getting 2 this summer
landa: she KNOWS that i'm 15, right...i'm too young...
lisa: yup...
lisa: but she still said "but still she has to start saving up her money for college
lisa: i told her ur parents didnt save anything
lisa: but she said theres still community college
landa: community college isn't worth shit in the long run...
lisa: she said she should get not 2 minimum wage jobs, but one decent job.
landa: i'll be 16, bout all i CAN get around here is minimum wage...
lisa: i told her that u wanted to be an entertainer when
lisa: u get outta school
lisa: my mom was like well she should just forget about that....
lisa: *cuddles up*
lisa: she told me "u have to be phenominal nowadays
landa: *cuddles up*
lisa: its so hard to get that to happen...
lisa: and they dont pick people who are heavy...
lisa: even if she was super talented they wouldnt pick her...
lisa: i started crying at that point...
lisa: lost my appitite
lisa: ate half of my spaghetti
lisa: which i usually inhale
landa: ...i've known the odds are against me from the start....
lisa: *big snuggle hug*
lisa: landa...?
landa: *big snuggle hug*
landa: hm?
lisa: are u gonna be ok sis...?
landa: yeah..
lisa: are u sure...?
landa: uh uh
landa: *shakes her head*
lisa: oh sis..
lisa: *cuddles up*
landa: *cuddles up*
lisa: dont listen to my mom ..
landa: she's right though lisa...i mean for real...
landa: i've known it since i first thought of singing...
landa: may as well stick to songwriting...
lisa: *hug*
landa: *hug*
lisa: are u crying...?
landa: no..
lisa: sorry... shutting up...
landa: no, dont..
lisa: landa i think u could make it...
landa: thanks sis..
lisa: yw sis..
landa: *thinks how she's one of two people to say that to her in the last two years*..
lisa: aw......sis..
landa: there's you, and there's ashers..that's it..
landa: she wrote it in her paper, heh..
lisa: but at least SOMEONE believes in u...
lisa: no one believed in madonna when she first started out...
landa: now i just gotta learn how to believe in myself again.........
lisa: u...dont...?
landa: *kills herself to say that..*
lisa: !!!
landa: four years ago, i did
landa: three years ago, it was shaky
landa: u dont believe in urself...
lisa:
landa: two, eh, could go either way
landa: last year, i lost a lot more faith...
landa: this year...
landa: my poem didn't even make it in the poetry contest...
landa: i didn't make it in the talent show...
lisa: landa i know how u feel....
lisa: i never win any contests ever.....
lisa: i gave up on myself for a long time...
lisa: it took me a year to get my confidence back in my poetry...
landa: i've never and still dont have any in mine
lisa: ...
landa: it's just things that i write when i get bored or stressed and stuff
lisa: ...
landa: i'm amazed i've been publised...
lisa: im amazed i havent...
landa: ...
lisa: ?
that's all i'm gonna put of that convo. see, i usually dont let what her mother says get to me, cause she's always out to get me, she practically worships the quicksand i walk on. but, this time...i couldn't let it go. i mean, i've always, ALWAYS, known that it's going to be hard, that i'm gonna have more than one type of obstacle along the way. getting seen, getting heard, getting my music seen...being seen for more than the outside...and i'm willing to take all the chances, all the risks. i'm determined to make it in music somehow, whether i end up behind the scenes writing, or on stage singing, i'm GOING to make it somehow.
but, it's still there. the fear that i wont make it as anything. the fear i'll be overlooked cause i'm not "perfect." well you know what? if wynonna and trisha can do it, so can i dammit! i KNOW i'm not small, and most of the time, i'm alright with this and i accept it. there is some sort of pride left in me, and i plan on keeping it there. no one can take that away. then the fear comes back for a while, and i get scared again. it happens all the time, but, i always pull through it, even stronger at the end. i believe in myself more now that i ever had before in that respect. musically, and any other way. well, most other ways.
like i've said before, not everyone is going to know every single little detail of what i go through and what happens in my life. but, i will say this about the other big thing that happened. there's a large decision that i'm going to have to make on my own. it's nothing bad, but it's not always the best thing either. lisa and i had a long talk about it earlier, and that helped out a lot. blaze, sev, and all the other chat people know what i'm talking about, blaze and lisa a lot more than the others. ashers and kristen, ask me if you really want to know...and you have to promise to be straight and normal with me when i tell you. everyone else, give me time, i will eventually explain myself.
right now, i'm taking my little sister's advice and going to relax and rest, i need it right now. i love ya'll, and goodnight.
p.s. just saying this now, the title used is meant for the feeling...not any person or anything like that. it's the only song i could come up with this late at night.
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.