my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
today was shaping out to be great, then went to hell, then came back again, kinda. the roller coaster that is my life.
i got on today, and alli was on! so, everyone was in a chat a lot of the day. we were just talking like old times and al that. but slowly, people just started leaving. eventually, it was down to may, sev and i. may is somewhat, shall we say, dead in chats most of the time, so it was mostly sev and i just talking a while. she told me suddenly that her dog reminds her of me. i asked if i should resent that or what, cause that doesn't sound like a compliment to most people. then she told me why. she sees her dog as loyal and caring...and pretty, hehe. that, i took as a compliment. sevy's sweet in her own little way.
since i had re-downloaded netmeeting, we got on there, even though she doesn't have a cam, heh. the talk on there works great, so that's why we stayed. she kept telling me how distorted it made me look and all that...she was just cracking up for a while cause my netmeeting sucks. but, we talked for probably more than an hour, kinda like we've always talked like that and everything. she felt at home enough to burp while talking to me, lol. she "never does that with anyone."
about the time we got off there, alli and blaze were both back and talking. they started somewhat fighting, which was something neither i nor sev wanted to hear from them. it kinda hurt, cause blaze was right. alli's changed. she's not totally the same anymore. she doesn't like her "favorite bands" anymore, and she kinda seems a little different just talking to her.
lisa eventually got on, and i just kinda left the chat without really doing it, heh. we talked a while, and then i begged the phone off of mom. i got to call lisa again...well, mom dialed, she's never going to let me do it. she set the frigging timer again, and i went in my room. last weekend, lisa and i got to say so much in that twenty minutes...it felt like it would never end, in a good way. this weekend, it seemed like about five minutes before my mom came in my room and demanded her phone back. i didn't get to say bye or anything cause she refused to leave. we did the little back and forth "bye" "bye" thing for a few seconds, hehe. what killed me is lisa said "dont forget i'll love ya forever sis" and i couldn't really say anything back to that. all i could say was ditto, then i had to hang up cause mo was giving me an evil look. she walked out of my room saying that if i pulled that act again, that i may never get to call lisa again. i had to yell back (she had leftmy room) "what act?" she came back in, yelled "dont yell at me! that little goodbye act that you just did. it doesn't take that long to say goodbye to someone and you know it damn well! i want all of the fucking laundry done this weekend or that will NEVER happen again, understand me?!"
i muttered yes as she walked out the door. then i just lay there a few minutes, staring at the ceiling, trying not to cry. i unknowingly do that goodbye thing with a lot of my friends, not just lisa, and she knows it. so, eventually i came back in here to find lisa already there. she tried to make me feel better and suceeded eventually, i just literally couldn't talk for a while, i had to type to her what had happened and why it took a while for me to come back and all that. so we were just talking a while, and i heard dad come home. mom yelled something at him too. i dunno what, but she did.
later on, they were getting ready to leave, and came back here to tell me. then they said something about lisa, cause she was talking about how she was sunburnt from track today. both of them said shut up (it's not nice here yet) and said how she didn't look like it and all that. i waited until they left before i said anything more. i couldn't take the comments from them.
for a little while, i was sad and all again. but, lisa always finds a way for me to be "normal" again, and i was. i just messed around a lot, joking around, playing iwth the cat and all that. heh, i found that if i havethe speakers up, i can talk to her from the kitchen. it felt like i wasn't alone in this house...that she was in this room talking to me...like lisa and i were together... eventually, i forgot that i had amde dinner, heh. i started getting up to leave, and the cat and i had a little "fight", lol. got lisa to laugh, hehe. she went at the same time to go get some motrin. well, that was over an hour ago, and a restart later, she's still not back. i'm beignning to think either her parents aren't giving her the time to sneak back on, or that she fell asleep. heh, i'm determined to stay here and make sure she's okay though, just in case, cause i have a weird feeling about something...
better cut this off, i dont wanna be doing something online when my parents get home. i'll just tell them that she left to do something, and i'm making sure she's okay...which is the truth for once. bye ya'll.
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.