my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
right now, i'm fighting a concussion, so if you get TOO lost, that's why. i'm sorry, i was going to write this earlier, but i couldn't till now. here goes.
i've said this before, but its worse now. i'm more lost right now than i have been in a long time. a buncha stuff happened today. first, at lunch, mark henniger decided he would talk about me. heh, hally had something that danny was playing with, and he almost dropped it. she said it'd be okay if it hit the ground...she's crushed them, sat on them, and her dad's sat on tham. he said "have yo-yo sit on them, they wont make it." i just started speed walking after him till we got to the other table then i ran like hell at him. he jumped down the cement stairs, which i wasn't about to try and pull, so i walked back ove rto the table to talk to sasha and everyone. he messed with her...she about killed him. she chased him onto the ramp, and he tried to jump off...she pushed him off. he hit the ground and got this big gash up his arm...it was great, the whole table applauded, and a couple of us got up. she just strided back over and sat down, then proceeded with the conversation.
next, bobbie was herself -_-. she kept asking me if it was time to go back to class yes, and when we had about five minutes left, she started to leave, then thought she was dragging me with her. oh no. i turned around and told her "bobbie, we both have our own free wills. YOU can go back to class when YOU feel like it, and I'LL go when I feel like it. it's a one minute walk down the hall, i'm waiting." and i went back to the table. she followed me back. i said something like "you're not getting this are you? i dont LIKE having someone follow me around like that.you want to go back to class, go, fine by me, but i'm stayin here till i wanna leave." she came right back and sat down on the next bench. i saw the time, and started to leave as she started to "intently" listen to sasha again. i got to the ramp, she started coming. we still got to class at about the same time cause she walks fast. i asked mobley if i coud go get my passes for the next two classes cause of my IEP meeting, and he let me go. i started to leave and she asked me what i was doing. i was gracious enough to answer, but inside, i didn't want to. she thinks everyone is her friend at school, and most of these people decide to come to me and talk about her cause i'm "always hanging out wiht her". well people, i hate to break it to ya, but not by choice. she follows ME around. and get this, if i'm talking to kristen and she shows up, i'm interrupted, outdone, or end up totally ignored. she makes it out to be a competition for her friendship. i'mi getting to the point of hate, which takes a lot for me to get to. kristen and i have talked about this...we both think she's annoying. a lot of other people think she's annoying and come crying to me about it.
next thing on the agenda...they tore me apart at the conference, just like i thought they would. tommer was the sit-in teacher, and mrs. jones, the social worker, came in too. well, it just so happens that i did bad in math last quarter cause of the week i was gone. she (tommer) brought up my grade because of all that, and talked about how we have a test a week from friday, and how i should come in for help if i dont understand it and all. they have me going in two days next week, and ever aep for the rest of the year. they somewhat talked about other things that i need to do, but not by much. i didn't even get to pick my own goal, they practically did for me. "complete and turn in all math homework." they threw in a "creativity" for my writing "and stuff". at 1:05 when the bell rang, i was out of there. i found kathy in the hallway, and i got my ride home. it was...interesting to say the least.
next thing didn't come for a while. lisa and i were talking later on, and ashers called. i tried talking to both of them at the same time, and lisa was kinda miffed at me. i put ashley on hold and asked lisa what was up, and she said she was going to lay down a while. well, i figured while she was gone, i could go in my room and talk to ashley. so i went in there, vented, caught herup, and came back in here. lisa had said some stuff along the lines of she wasn't too happy with me and that she was hurt and al that. i hung up with ashley, we talked it out. she thought that i had purposefully left her like that, which i would never do. she didn't know that i was still talking to ashley and all when i had left, so she thought that i had intentionally left her. i explained i hadn't and we were okay.
again, something else. sarah called her, and they talked a while. i just messed around with stuff on here, cause i have IE 5.5 again, but this time i can get into hotmail okay, hehe. anyway, i hear her say something about not wanting to say bye and all that. sarah was trying to get her to get off the computer from talking to me. she's starting to sound a lot like lisa's mom...anyway, i think she hung up first, but she did it...i didn't get a chance to say goodbye. that kinda *stabbed* me. i almost immediately started crying and bawling like i haven't in a while. blazey had invited me in a chat and i told them about it. i mean, her best friend hates the shit out of me...right then, it felt like there were only two people up there that liked me, her and her brother. i remember her saying that a lot of her friends didn't like me. sai offered to call me, hehe. blaze talked me through. then lisa got back on. i told her what all was going on and all that, and how lost i feel...
haven't really touched on that one yet, so i will now. i literally dont know what to do right now. every time i turn around, i'm pissing mom off, i'm ignoring someone, i don't have enough time for someone and they get pissy, i hurt someone i love...people are asking me about what i want to do in the future. right now, i'm thinkin community college and a job as i try to make it big. that's changed a hell of a lot too. everything around me's changing. everyone is breaking up and most are finding someone new...other than me. people are treating me like shit again. homework is driving me insane. SCHOOL is driving me insane...which has been one of my "safe places" recently. well, not anymore. i dont feel safe to often anymore. let's see, there's when i'm talking to lisa, hanging out with/talking to kristen, and when i'm around ashley. they're the only ones who seem to actually show AFFECTION towards me in some way or another. it may take a lot to get a hug outta kristen, but at least i can get them.
anyway, last and most recent thing to happen. lisa and i were talking about something, and i was laying back. well, i kinda missed and whacked my head on the LENOLUIM floor extremely hard. almost instantanious concussion, as lisa is yelled at to get off. so, i'm left with no one to keep me awake, hence this entry. lisa *rubbed my head* for me, and had to go. so, i decided to write in here...keep myself concious.
why is everything changing at once? my favorite radio station seems to be going pop on me, they're the only ones that play my two favorite songs. all the breaking up and stuff. the michellin man letting go of his tire...sorry i just saw that commercial. anyway, i'm getting rides to school now, people are changing towards me. teachers are changing. appetite is changing again, sleep habits too. the things i like and dislike, what i do on weekends is changing somewhat. the way it is around dad. uncle jimmy...*who is okay, he got through surgery alright and is in the icu for the night at least.* its just getting harder and harder to deal with these things now.
well, its past time for me to get off, andi've been trying to write for an hour now. so, i'll write more tomorrow. love you guys, bye ya'll.
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.