my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
for some reason, all day today i've felt like crying...and mom just broke the flood gates. but, lisa made me feel better. i honestly have no idea why i've felt like this all day, i just have. all the old feelings are coming back...feeling alone with a bunch of my friends, never having fun anymore. last night was the first time in a few months i've been able to have fun. what the hell is wrong with me???
what mom did this time: she called from a cell phone number, so i was like, huh? she told me that they let her get a phone at radio shack for a penny. she told me that she never wanted to get one at one point...then she started rubbing it in my face that cause i wasn't there with a penny that i couldn't get one. she knows that's something that i really wanted to get. i'd be able to talk to my out of state friends and all that. then like, after school if i needed a ride, i wouldn't have to try and get 50 cents. if something happened, i'd be able to call someone. but, no. mom, the person who told me that she never wanted to get a cell phone, gets one, and rubs it in my face.
i never realised till today how i really don't get anything. lisa and i talked earlier, and she was ticked cause her family was giving her money for her birtiday and that they didn't really care enough to get her a present. with me, it's different. they stopped giving me stuff for my birthday a LONG time ago. so i started telling her that at least they took the time to give her the money and all that, she said something about it taking the intelligence of a blonde cheerleader *no offence to any who may read this* to do that. she didn't know that my family didn't give me anything at all, and i told her. so, i made her feel bad. then i thought about how friday night is the first time in a couple years that my parents have bought me stuff without me working for it, and it took a lot of convincing at that. they really don't get me stuff now that i think about it.
it's not the posessions that's bugging me or anything like that. they just show no way of living me anymore. they keep buying a buncha stuff for mom and rubbing it in on me, like i'm made of steel or something. they don't think of what kind of message that's sending me. when they do stuff like that, i'm thinking that they hate me and wouldn't care if i were to run away or something. thing is, they know exactly where i would go, there's four choices here. kristen's, ashley's, tennesse, or long island. so, i'm screwed, heh. i just wish they would stop that...they refuse to listen to me, and when they do, it's just long enough to laugh at or insult me. and they wonder what i have to be depressed about.
another thing. they don't believe in depression as being something that you get treatment for. it's a mental thing that you grow out of. i'm sorry, but not all depressed people are teenagers. and it's been four and a half years now...i'm still like this. i obviously haven't grown out of it. and when i was playing with medicine bottles, sharp things, thinking about jumping off a tall wall or a cliff i wasn't growing out of it...i was falling into it. but, most of the time, i don't even think about that anymore. i have my low points, but i don't think about it like i used to. just "i wonder what would happen if...", nothing more than that.
why can't they see what they're doing to me? i'm glad that i only have about two more years left in this house, i'm leaving RIGHT AFTER i graduate...i'll be 17 still. i don't care WHERE i end up going, but i want out of this house as soon as humanly possible. shoot, i may have to see if i can stay with a friend, but at least i would be away from this hell...
for those of you worriers, don't worry about me tonight, i'll be fine. just need to listen to music for a while. guess i'll write more tomorrow...bye ya'll.
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.