my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
oy, today had some ups and downs. i woke up all hyper and perky and everything, and i made it through the state math assessment and was still awake...unlike last time. i walked kristen to her aep and went to mine, like usual. then, for some reason or another, my knee starts hurting. it felt like someone had hit it with a baseball bat or something, it hurt so much. i mean, i know i have a bad knee, but it usualy involves something happening for it to start hurting like it did then. i spent aep reading harry potter and wishing the pain would go away.
kristen and i talked at break, nothing out of the ordinary there. we talked about various pains that we've had before, and the possibility that this knee thing is hereditary, since my dad has a bad one too. i limped her to sixth hour on the way to my own, another thing not far from the norm. i got to class, and i felt fine, cept for my knee, and my back which had started acting up. i got my drawing done, and started reading again. then, it felt as though someone were slowly taking away my energy all of a sudden. going to lunch, i was struggling not to fall over. i got outside, and sat in the corner a while, then everyone started coming over there. for some reason, i wanted to be alone, i have no idea why. so i went over to the picnic table everyone abandoned coming over to talk to me. wesley comes out,and starts talking about what his car is going to look like one day...something i don't care to hear about more than once a week. dana came out and asked what was wrong, i told her i felt hung over, and she walked off with the others. eventually, everyone was talking to me again anyway, so i gave up on trying to be alone, but htat didn't help the struggle to keep my eyes open.
eighth hour...hassig's test that i was not ready for cause i missed all of last week's lectures. even worse, i was starting to fall asleep i felt so bad. i was just kinda falling over on my desk, just in pain and tired all of a sudden. we had about 12 minutes of review time, and jeremy *who sits in front of me* got up to go study with someone else, and hassig came back there and sat there. he told me that i could wait and take the essay test next week if i really felt that bad and all that. he straight up told me that i looked like hell and that he'd be willing to send me to the nurse's office cause i'm one of his good kids and he doens't want me messing up my grade cause i felt sick again. but, i stuck through it, and i made it though the test alright. i knew that i didn't know a lot of the things on there, and after the test he told us the questions that his second hour had problems with...i missed almost all of them...i know i have a C or D on that test. that's seriously going to bring my grade down...40% of it.
i get home and come back here and tlak to blaze and everyone. i got to say a quick hi to alli before she had to get off, it was good to see her on for once though, hehe. lisa got home and we almost immediately started talking again. her boyfriend broke up with her, and she had a bad day on top of that. we talked about a lot of stuff today, and i'm still talking to her as a matter of fact, hehe. *hi sis!* she found out about what happened to me in kindergarten and elementary school more than she knew before. she found out how in k, i used to get beat up every day by this fifth grader that hated me. and how i used to come home crying every day every year after that. she found out a lot of things that i don't like talking about. i was amazed that i was even telling someone, cause i hadn't in so long. but i did, and now she knows all about it.
something that i was thinking about tonight. i remember how i always used ot go out on weekends...late night and everything. i mean like midnight or two in the morning returning and everything. tonight i just had a huge urge to go to a movie and chillis, and the 24 hour wal-mart...just staying out of the house and away from my parents for a while. i used to go out like every weekend with leslie and mariel and do all that. now, we rarely talk to each other, kristen is always busy, and ashers i have to generally book a month in advance. i'm totally screwed for my spontanious going out thing that i used to do.i used to be able to jsut call around and find someone that would go out and do stuff. karaoke with cecilia always rocked, hehe. now, i'm lucky to even be let out of the house to even go to wal-mart. my parents always leave me here. it's been a few weeks since i've actually been able to go someplace other than school. i'm not one of those people that likes to stay home all the time, and they know it. but, i'm confined to this house most of the time, and there's nothing i can do about it anymore. tonight, i told mom that i wanted to go out like i used to, she gave me a stupid look and said "and who the hell is going to go with you?" for once, the woman had a point. no one could or would go with me. i mean, i know lisa would if she were like next door or something, hehe, but unfortunately, she's not. no one else has time for stuff like i used to be able to do.
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ok, this is about 30 minutes later. i haven't posted this entry yet cause my mom's a bitch. she has been yelling at me to get off and all that for a while now. lisa had a horrible day, so we were taking longer to say goodbye. i was in a great mood, then mom killed it, and i cried and all that. something that lisa hadn't seen in a while, she told me just yesterday that she was proud of me cause she hadn't seen me cry in so long. why does mom always find a nerve to hit when i'm down. she's obviously a firm believer in kick em when they're down, cause i was just about as low as i can get. lisa, being the great sister she is, got me to feel better and get kinda hyper again before we got off. she's just one of those few who can do that.
today, i just kinda felt useful after lisa and i started talking. well, kinda. i was giving her the best advice i could come up with because rude reviews finally got around to reviewing her diary and tore it to shreads. she wanted to destroy it and everything, then she started calling herself ugly...who ever started making her believe that is a complete asshole and i wanna severely beat them. like i've said so many times vbefore, lisa is beautiful, she's NOT ugly. and proof that she's beautiful on the inside too, she told me soemthing tonight that made me totally stop whatever i was doing. she told me that i didn't have to go outside to look at the stars like i always want to...that i can just look in the mirror. hehe, i can smile just thinking about that. she's a real sweetie, and i have no idea why people have doine what they've done to her. she totally doesn't deserve it.
i'm gonna have to cut this off here cause my mom is getting bitchier as we speak, and my knee can't handle sitting on the floor much longer...the tylenol is wearing off. love ya'll *you know who you are* and goodnight everyone.
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.