my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
oy, today got worse than it was. i was talking to lisa for, like ever waiting on ashley to get here. 8:30, still no sign of her, so lisa and i start taking these quizzes in this book she has. one of the questions was to name the names, good and bad, that people have called you before. i asked her to pick a letter of the alphabet to start with and i would. we sat there and listed things. i found through that that i get more names from being at home than i do from school now. i just named everything that i could think that i had been called at school before, then i thought of stuff that mom and dad have called me before. there was more from there than at school that i could think of...then i got to hated and mistake...the conversation went dead a minute then she said "landa, you..are..NOT..a mistake. always remember that" with a *snuggle hug* in between. then she said to think about her and what i've done for her, what she's done for me, whenever i'm told that. i tried so hard to stay strong and not cry in front of her and everything, and i was doing so...then nine came around...still no sign of ashley. i kinda fell apart on her, she saw me have a breakdown. something i wished she would never have to see from me, cause i know that i kinda scare her when i'm my "old self", and that almost brings me to that point, just in tears with my hands running through my hair and over my face as i do so...i looked like hell...and she sat there trying so hard to make me feel better while i "fell apart in her arms." at least that's what it felt like. then i go to tel mom that i'm still on cause there's something wrong, and she started in on me. she was saying that it was after nine and i needed to get my ass off cause a cut off time is a cut off time. i was halfeway temped to tell her what the hell was going on cause i felt so much like shit, but i know she would have had something to say about it. so i just yelled back, and i forget what i yelled back. but i walked back here again, and i was still on web cam with lisa at this point. she saw all the facial expressions and how it looked in my eyes...one of the main ways i communicate with her...whether i know it or not when i feel the way i feel.
when we got our goodbyes said, i got off, threw my headset down on the talble and stomped into the living room. i looked at the clock, it was nine thirty. i told mom and dad that if ashley showed up, she had to come in and wake me up cause i felt too much like crap to stay awake any longer. so, i looked at the clock, then at the door, and went into my room and layed down. i layed there listening to music, and then i heard the phone ring. i didn't hear what mom said that time, cause i started crying myself to sleep. i was asleep in about five minutes, a record for me, especially with all the tears. next thing i know, ashley is standing beside my bed trying to see my friendship wall, cause she hasn't been here since i redid things. kinda woke up when she put her arm down for support cause that side of my bed is very hard to stand on, heh. i've lived here 11 years, and it's always been that way. but, i fell out of bed (literally) and she layed down and we talked a while. kinda felt good that i could have a normal conversation with someone after the past hour or two. then we came back here so we could "do homework" which i actually did do...inbetween talking to lisa, and i'm still talking to kendall as we speak. and i found out that lisa was really worried, more so than i thought...man, i hate doing this to her and kendall, and kristen and ashley for that matter. i feel like i'm letting them down whenever i get this bad and everything, and there's nothing i can do about it cause imma get here either way. it's just...i dunno what to do when i get like this, i sit here and try to be happy, i really do, but then something happens to get me down agian. today was a real great day, i said that before, and then this happens...it's almost predictable, any time i'm really happy, something happens to mess it up. sometimes things that are bigger than others, but, this time it was in the middle. what lisa saw wasn't even my worst, just in the middle.......that really hurts me cause i know that and she doesn't (well, you do now sis, but you didn't).
nother bad thing that i found out thru an email from kendall's mom today: kendall has maybe 6 months left, she just doesn't want to realise it and all...lord i dunno what to tell someone when i hear stuff like that...kinda scares me...
good thing that i don't want to forget: lisa was asked to her boyfriend's prom! go sis!! she was all excited when she got back from talking to him and all. she told me, and i said yay! i just don't think i looked too excited. sis, trust me, i'm a LOT more excited for you than i looked! i'll talk to you about it tomorrow.
i really wanna say more, but i think i need to go cause i don think they're gonna believe that i'm still doing homework now. heh, i'm smart, i worte this in word and imma copy/paste it to an entry...i'm good, hehe. i need sleep, so, bye ya'll. love ya (you know who you are).
Sunday, January 27, 2002+8:35 am+adding to last night
i thought of something else that i wanted to say and i can't sleep on the floor any longer. too much pain, i.e. shoulders and neck. ugh. ok, here goes:
alright, you know how i said i was trying to stay strong last night. thing is, i'm always the one who has to stay strong. i've always stayed strong. it took about 6 months after mom getting sick for me to cry about it, and it took my teacher bringing me home and finding her with my friend there for me to cry then...i've been the strong one for four years now. i'm always the last to cry, i'm the last to break down or be truely hurt...HA! you guys read this, obviously, and i'm not as strong as everyone makes me off to be. there's no way i can keep up being the strong person for everyone for much longer, it's going to drive me nuts. but, i still try, for my little sis, i try, but she has now seen me fall apart. for kendall, i try, but i don't know how much longer i can do it. ashley, i try and have fallen apart a couple times. kristen, i try, and sometimes fall apart...she's seen the worst in me...something i'm not proud of at all. far as my parents know, i show no emotion. i never cry, i never go nuts, i never lose it. i just go in my room, or come back here for a while and not talk to them. i turn up the music and drown them out...which is actually me turning up my music to drown out the sound of my tears.
back to my point, i'm not sure how much more of this i can take. how much longer i can be the strong one for everyone else's sake...i'm human, i cry and suffer and bleed too, just like you. i feel, i have emotions, i fall apart at the sound of bad news...i just do so on the inside cause everyone wants me to stay strong for them...to be their rock, the reliable one who doesn't crumble. well guys, i dunno how much more of this i can take, so if i have a breakdown or something, you all know why...
i'm going to go now cause ashley might be waking up soon, and i don't want her to see me writing this just yet...she'll have to read it later, haha. but, i'll write more later on...bye.
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.