my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
heh, this has actually been a pretty good day so far. top it all off, ashers is staying the night eventually. right now, i'm sittin here listening to bored.com's radio stations. the eighties one and lite hits and all that are pretty good. i've heard a bunch of songs that remind me of things, today has been a thinking day. earlier on web cam with lisa, i was going thru all my old cds, and i was amazed at how i used to like all that stuff. now i can't put up with half of it. yes, certain songs, i'm still and always will be in love (rather very strong like) with, but a lot of them just sound like crap to me now. most of the ones i went thru were pop and all that, so i couldn't start singing them even if i wanted to, but i sang wherever you will go for her, hehe. but, today has just been a day of reflection kinda. i've been thinking about a lot of things that these songs have brought back up. it's not really particualr things, just the past in general. good things, bad things, depends on the song. gloria estefan brings up different things than mike + the mechanics.
kinda things coming up are, like, times with friends that i used to have, the way i used to be, back when my cousin and i were inseperable...i miss that a little, but not the way she started treating me after a while. i've talked about her before, so i don't think i need to again. then there's the friends that i used to have. things that happened, fights that occured...and stopping people from ending it all...that's something that just doesn't leave you for a long time. like the first time that you've done it, that's always with you. and wrestling things from your best friend at the time...sharp things and medicine things...she had a problem whether she wanted to believe it or not. and wrestling over her life, literally. let's see, there was a razor, some pills...various other things. then we just started drifting and fighting a lot more, and we eventually just stopped talking to each other. i have no idea what she's like now, but people tell me it's not good.
then there's my friend from, like kindergarten. leslie used to come over here like every day for about two or three years. (phil collins -you'll be in my heart...YAY!) but, we just stopped talking to each other and going over to each other's houses after a while. we haven't really done anything together for a while. my parents and i just took her out to get her christmas present a couple weeks ago, but that's about it. people used ot ask us if we were sisters cause we kinda look alike, hehe. she was the one that i would always go to movies and the mall with on weekends and all that. sledding with in the winter down that hill by her house and all that...the things that i don't have time for anymore. the things that we haven't done together for a good four or five months now. in 6th grade we used ot sit in the basement talking and stuff, something that her and i haven't done in a very long time. her and i just don't talk anymore.
theres how some of the friendships that i still have used to be and thinking about the ones that i just now have. there's lisa, kendall, blaze and alli for that category. the ones that i've had for a while being ashley and kristen, and how meg and i aren't the same anymore either, heh. then there's just how much i've changed in these last few months. i mean, i haven't really changed, but i'm showing who i really am to everyone else. it's great knowing that i don't have to act for everyone anymore the way i had been. i can be me without hiding it, and it feels great to finally be able to figure out where i can fit in and who will accept me and all that for who i am, not who they want me to be.
i'm gonna go now cause this has taken about an hour for me to write, so, yeah. bout the most pouring out of my heart i've done in a while, so, yeah. imma leave you with that, bye ya'll!
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.