my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
alright, this probably won't be done at the time it says it is, i'm talkin to lisa as we speak. i was planning on writing this before she got back, but i ended up having to help kristen with homework and do laundry, so it didn't get done then. this is to answer some people that keep asking me the same thing: "landa, why are you on the computer so much?" this is prolly gonna be kinda long, and somewhat deep, so i'm just warning you.
ok, well, we all know that my mother and i don't get along too well. it's starting to get that way with my dad too, the one who i've always been able to joke around with and play with and everything. my family life has totally changed, and i just can't put up with them all the time anymore. it used to be the phone that i was always on, as many of you well know. well, this is my new outlet, writing on here and talking to people on here, cause there's constantly someone on here to talk to to take me away from this hell.
secondly, there's people that are just bugging me now. people are starting to pick on me and not leave me alone again, and i don't like it. a lot of times, i feel like there are about three people only that care about me and all that. most of the time, two of those people are busy. kristen constantly is working or doing homework, and when she's not, she's cleaning house. only real talk time we have is at school. ashley, we've been kinda seperating, but we're getting back to normal now. things have happened, circumstances have changed, priorities have changed. and i've changed. but, she's still one of the main things in my life. lisa, lives in new york, on long island, 1400 miles away. and she is someone who i know is always there. even so, she still has things that she needs to do, like track and stuff. and there are times that she can't be there, but she's there most of the time i need her. but, there are a lot of people who just find something to bug me about, something to break down. there's always something new that people find. weight, height, number of friends...i just don't know what to do about them anymore.
third, i dunno, i just kind of feel that i know there's someone there for me who cares about me and all that, i.e. lisa, blaze, alli etc. in the "real world", off the computer that is, there isn't always that person there. a lot of people turn their back on me, and those who don't, are too busy, and i understand that so don't take it the wrong way. i try to go to someone new to talk to, and i usually get ignored or shot down. if I need help, it seems that no one is there to help me, while i TRY to be there for them whenever they call. but, i know that on here, there is someone who will talk to me and listen whenever i need help, whether it be a best friend or a little sister. and for for you cynics and all that out there, i know these people are real and not stalkers or anything. shit, lisa and i are on web cam all day, hehe. and i've seen pics of about everyone else, or heard them talking to me. the wonders of technology...
that is why i am on the computer so much. it gives me a sence of worth, a place where i belong. but, i do other things, whether you seem to believe it or not, so i better not get another speech out of any of you saying that i need to get out more or go do more things. the "real world" has hurt me far too many times to count, but, these people are part of the "real world" too, and show it from what they do and say and all that. lisa, i know for sure is real. web cam every day, and we traded pics back in august or september for gosh sakes! kendall, i've seen her pictures and heard her voice. blaze, there's no way anyone could make everything she goes thru up. alli, there's just trust there. kathy and sasha go to school with me, and everyone else, i have my reasons.
right now, i have to go cause i'm about out of time for the night. took longer than i thought while talking to lisa, but it was for a good cause. g'nite all, and i hope this gives you a better understanding.
Wednesday, January 23, 2002+5:41 p.m.+more to last night....
ok, there was more evidence that what i said last night was true cause of what happened on the bus today. we were all talking about something, and i totally forget what. but, sara said soemthing that i thought was wrong, so i kinda corrected her, to find out that she was right in the first place. and then she says "never contradict me again, i don't care if i'm right or wrong, never do it!" and blah blah blah. so, i pissed her off. then after that, no one else would talk to me either. that's not a fun feeling when one person controls what everyone else says and does to where no one else will talk or listen to you. so, i kinda went into my own little world, sitting by myself, staring out the window, biting my lip trying not to start crying. you know those moments in movies where one of the characters stops hearing everything although there is a LOT going on all around them? i had one of those moments the rest of the ride home, only thing heard was the sound of the bus. i sat there, unconciously playing with my necklace (best friend thing with lisa). then, messing with the lights on my watch (a christmas present from kristen). and hearing what ashley would tell me if she were there or consoling me on the phone. that's the first time in a while that i've felt all my "sisters" there with me at the same time. then we got to my stop, after what seemed like an eternity, but was really about five or ten minutes, and got off with my head up and not a word to anyone. i made my walk home with not a tear shed, cause i know they wouldn't want me to cry over something like that.
i got home and walked thru the door, and see mom and dad getting ready to leave for mom's dentist appointment. that's alright, cause i'm used ot being alone for a while on wednesday afternoons. i walk by the kitchen on my way back here to talk to lisa (more on that in a few) and gwen is on MY phone which I payed for and the battery is runing down on. even then, she didn't say a word about it, didn't ask me if it was okay or anything. i have to make that battery last till this summer. haha. not happening cause she just starts using my stuff. that woman is getting on my nerves, whether she be home or not. when she's not, things she's done come back on me cause mom and dad seem to think i have done them. what am i supposed to do about all this?!
i got back here and checked my email, lisa wasn't gonna be home for a while, so i sat here and started reading. later on, lisa got home and we just got thru talking for a while, and she wanted to know about my day. i had tried to write an entry before this, but it didn't take. i was going to have her read this, but i had to go thru it all again in my head to tell her. i hate memories like that. she's had a lot coming back to her too, and i seem to remind her of them. not a fun feeling, but i know it's not my fault.
takes you up to now, when my lil sis just got offline to go eat dinner and call people who called her today, far as i know kristen is at work, and ashley is probably talking to tury. so, right now i am alone, but that gives me time to read this book i need to read. it gives me time to just be alone a while, sort things out which i evidently need to do.
basically, this ties in to what i wrote last night, which is why it's on the same entry. i felt like no one was there, except for those three people, the three people in my life who i can count on and know are on my side. even though people may stop listening to me and i zone out and all that, i have reminders of them to make me feel better, at least stop any tears that may be forming. and then with my aunt, my family doesn't treat me right. she lives with us, so she counts. not like the rest of my extended family gives two hoots or just pays attention at all, but, you know what i mean.
i'm gonna go now so i can do some of this reading. prolly won't write again tonight unless something happens, so, see ya tomorrow. bye, and i hope there's even MORE understanding than there was last night without all this.
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