my world enchanted
landa; eighteen; attached lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; crochity old lady kiddy; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college freshman; undecided major.
everything i dreamed
elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; rachel; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; kiddy; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.
my life in shadow
boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.
sounds like how i feel right now...
today, was good till i got home from school. singing at the courthouse wasn't all that great. we totally messed up one of the songs, and partially messed up another. star spangled banner came out right though.
when i got home, i realised how much stuff was going thru my head. i realised how many things i've let get to me. i realised how much is going on around me to mess with my head. and i had, and still am partially having an emotional breakdown. i cried a lot earlier when i was talking to lisa. she felt so bad cause she thought she couldn't make me feel better. she was actually helping out a lot, cause i didn't get quite as bad as i have before, like i normally get when i'm like this. she had to go eat dinner, so i got to eat mine and go in my room and think for a while. there is too much stuff i've been avoiding or trying to do too much about, if that makes any sense. there's some stuff going on with my friend that i can't talk about to anyone. it's major stuff, and it's not good. i've worried a lot aobut lisa. kristen was worrying me this week, she knows and she knows why. i'm starting to lose my voice (singing, not talking). i've been letting my mind wander a lot more lately...thinking about meeting lisa and all that, or absentmindedly drawing things on my binder and in my agenda. she knows what i mean by that. and for the first time in a while, i thought about suicide tonight, more than once. had to throw away something that was a vice for me tonight cause it made lisa nervous, and i didn't want what the outcome might have been had i kept it. it was this broken cd piece that was extremely sharp that i play with when i get really depressed..well, i was messing with it a lot tonight. i told sis cause i feel guilty when i don't tell her stuff, and i threw it away so she would feel better.
also, today i have realised how i ALWAYS end up putting other people ahead of me. how often do i do something i want to do? constantly, i'm asking other people what is wrong and if i can help. i usually try, and most of the time succed. thing is, there are three people who ask me, and one of them..well, we're not exactly next door to each other. that has been depressing too. if i think that i'm gonna hurt osmeone by telling themsomething, it never gets said. i mean, when have i relly put myself ahead of someone else?! i mean, i can think of 5 people right off that i would die for. but, i'm not so sure that they would care. well, not that they wouldn't care, but you know what i mean, hopefully.
mom just last night talked about me. i walked out in the clothes i wanted to wear (and wore) today cause we were supposed to dress up to go to the thingy to sing. she turned around, gave me a disgusted look, and said that i needed to find different pants. thing is, i have o other dress pants, and she knows it. i had to pull them up to, like, my chest so it would "look right". she said that when we get the money, i'm supposedly getting some new clothes. thing is, she threw in "i have to see some effort from you in losing some weight." ok, i've been trying a lot longer than she thinks, and it just keeps getting worse. what the hell am i supposed to do here?! i mean, i've even run lisa out of ideas on this one! mom really needs to stop hitting that nerve with me, cause that's what gets me like this. whenever she says something like that or something, i end up like this. it seems like it's her fault these days. and ya know what? i don't really care.
i need to go now before i scare anyone or something. imma go sit in my room and sulk for a while. hopefully, happier stuff tomorrow. bie.
layout and all content İcoyotesabre 2005. images manipulated in paint shop pro 8, obtained through yahoo search.